Showing posts with label What is the meaning of Life?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label What is the meaning of Life?. Show all posts

Friday, April 4, 2008

Understanding my confusing past

One of the greatest advantage of my diagnosis with proneness to bipolar disorder or manic-depressive illness last March was that it helped me to understand that it is a medical condition that can be treated with medication and other helps. These have helped to relieve or shortened my suffering and enabled me to be more functional.

The other greatest advantage was it helped me to understand my confusing past.I have had some 10 or more episodes of severe depression over the last 20 years or so, prior to my diagnosis. And my life was like a big mess.

Whenever I am well, I am slightly manic and I will have more energy. I have many happy thoughts, able to accomplish many things and can be very creative. I like to make others happy by making small gifts for them like bookmarks and cross-stitch. I will also write to my friends to let them know that I am thinking of them and praying for them, especially those who are suffering in some ways. I enjoyed my family, my church, friends and work very much. I loved being with people, and I tend to be very talkative and overly friendly, even to strangers. Some friends said they find me very warm and friendly at such times. I am also a very excellent worker when I am manic and I alway take pride in whatever I do. I am some kind of a perfectionist and so I can do even a very small job very well. I do all things as unto the Lord, and will not mind even menial or boring jobs. I can be a great motivation to others who lead a mundane life by being very enthusiastic in whatever I do.

But whenever I am severely depressed, I am totally the opposite. I will be so slowed down that I can hardly wake up in the morning and I dragged myself through the day. My mind which used to be very positive and cheerful, filled with ideas and projects, suddenly seemed to have turned against me. My thoughts are all negative and self-condemning. My mind condemns me for all my past sins and failures. It kept playing back my past mistakes and weaknesses. It mocked at me for all my enthusiams and foolish plans. It no longer found anything interesting or enjoyable or worthwhile. I can't concentrate in anything I do or read. My thoughts turned time and again to the question, "What is the meaning of my life?". I can't enjoy prayer, reading the Bible or church. I can't enjoy my family, friends, work, hobbies or anything in general. And I simply can't find anything meaningful to do or worthy to live for. I often wished that the Lord will take me home quickly as every day is a living hell for me. As my depression usually lasted at least 3 to 6 months, or sometimes longer, you can imagine how challenging it will be for me to face that annoying question "What is the meaning of my life?" or "What is the point of living?" daily. It drained me.

Actually, in some sense of the word, Rob is right when he pointed out in my last post, that people only have the luxury to think about the meaning and purpose of life when they have no other more urgent problems. During depression, I don't have the energy or desire to do anything. So I did have plenty of time on hand and the luxury to ruminate over the meaning of my life. The only problem is because I was severely depressed, all my thoughts were negative and self-condemning. So I naturally can't find any meaning in my life during such time.

By the mercies of God, in January 2007, through the help of a Christian lady counsellor, Sarah and her team, at Counselling and Care Centre in Singapore, I have embarked on a new journey of self-discovery, of knowing God, myself and others better. Sarah counselled me for 9 sessions between end January 2007 to April 2007. These were life-changing sessions for me. Sarah uses a method of counselling or psychotherapy that is called "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy" (CBT).

CBT is a form counselling with a focus on understanding how our thoughts affect our behaviours. Bipolar alternates between 2 extreme mood swings ie. mania and depression, and our thoughts and behaviours are shaped by these mania and depression episodes which can at times be very confusing. CBT helps to make sense some of these confusions, and help to pick up skills to manage these mood swings so that one can be more functional. Through CBT I discovered some faulty or unhelpful thinking patterns I have been having which either can trigger off an episode of depression or can make it worse. These are still great challenges to me now.

CBT helps to make sense of my confusing past. In my first 2 sessions with my counsellor, Sarah, I recounted to her my past relapses of severe clinical depression in the last 20 years. Sarah noted at the end of my second session with her that there is a phrase I keep repeating and that is during every depressive episodes I will wonder "What is the meaning of my life?". Sarah felt that there is a necessity for me to explore this question and to see how I can get a more realistic and biblical view on this question as that will have an impact in my recovery.

Through my counselling sessions with Sarah, I realized that the question "What is the meaning of my life?" recurs only when I was depressed. It is part of the symptoms of depression as well as the effect of depression. Whenever I am well or manic, I do not have problem with this. I always find life meaningful as I live for the Lord and serve Him. I love life because God has given it to me, to know Him, love Him and serve Him.

Maybe not everyone who experience depression or prolonged severe depression, struggle with this question on the meaning or purpose of their life. Sarah suggested that one possible reason why I contantly struggle with it whenever I fall into depression, could be because I am a very purposeful person. I do things with purpose in my mind. I thought through why I choose a certain path or why I do a certain thing. I do no just go through the motion or follow the crowd and do things because everyone is doing it. I think she has got a point. I am not someone who likes to join the rat race in the working world. I do not work just to earn money but I want to enjoy what I am doing and to make significant contribution to my work. When I make friends, I don't just make and keep them for my own enjoyment or benefit. I seek to find ways to help and encourage my friends and be a blessing to them.

Sarah helped me to understand that the meaning in my life is found not just in having something meaningful to do although that is important and gives meaning to my life. But the meaning in my life is also found in having a meaningful relationship with God and with others in my life. I found that life is only meaningful to me when I have a right relationship with God. I cannot imagine my life now without God. Life is definitely meaningless to me if I do not have God in my life. The ability to pray, to read the Bible and to go to church is very important to me. I will be very saddened and discouraged whenever I am prevented from enjoying these when going through severe depression. This is one of the greatest reason why I will conclude life is meaningless whenever I am depressed.

I found that life is meaningful to me not just in having a meaningful relationship with God. Even if I enjoy God on my own and have all the knowledge of the Bible and doctrines, something is still missing in my life if I keep these to myself. I found meaning in my life when I am able to share my life with others. I love to care for people. I have been a care giver of my parents for the last 15 years until my father passed away in 2001. I am still the main care giver of my aged mother who battles many illness. I have a wonderful relationship with my siblings and nieces and nephew. I am my nieces and nephew's favourite aunty. Sometimes when we go out, people thought that my nieces and nephew are my children because they will cling on to me :-)

I have may wonderful friendships in my life among my church friends and other friends. I value friendships a lot as I am someone who feels very deeply. Friendships make my life very meaningful. I can give up many things for my friends. Many times I will not buy many things for myself but I readily buy those things for my friends. I like to make people happy by giving them gifts and cheering them up. I like to spend time with people who are lonely and needy. I enjoyed serving in the elderly ministry in my church together with my church friends in which we reach out to a group of poor and elderly people in my church neighbourhood. I enjoyed the friendships with these elderly when many people do not enjoy it. They too seemed to enjoy my friendships and they remembered me though I have not been able to be actively serving in this ministry since my relapse of severe depression in December 2006. I missed them every now and then and it is still a joy for me whenever I get to see them.

I am finding meaning in my relationship with God and all these other relationships in my life, and in my service in the church and my work. These all make my life worth living. My life is no longer a big mess or a confusing one. It is fill with meaning and purposes, and I look forward to each day the Lord has given me so that I may spend it for Him and others. I look forward too to the day when my tasks here are completed, and I can enter into my eternal rest and enjoy God in worship and fellowship forever more, never to be hindered by sins or sicknesses anymore. Until then, I continue to run the race that is set before me, looking unto Jesus the Author and Finisher of my faith. Praise God.

What about you? Do you also struggle with a confusing life due to bipolar or depression? Have you found something helpful to cope?

"Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away." James 4:14

"....I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." John 10:10

"Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?" John 11:25-26

Friday, March 7, 2008

What is the meaning of Life? - Part 3

Over some 20 years prior to my diagnosis of bipolar disorder or manic-depressive illness, I have had some 10 to 11 episodes of severe depression each lasting between 3 to 6 months or longer. During such a difficult time, I have a constant struggles with the question "What is the meaning of Life?". Whenever I am severely depressed, this question will surface over and over again.

Thank God for leading me to seek medical help in Dec 2006. In end January 2007, the Lord led me to seek counselling help. As I recounted my past history with my Christian counsellor, Sarah, she realized that the phrase "What is the meaning of Life" or "I find life so meaningless" keep recurring. So we decided to explore this together as she felt it will have an impact in my recovery process.

On Wednesday, I shared about my thoughts on what I think is the meaning of Life (Part 2). This is a difficult question as it can mean different thing to different people. Is there really a meaning to Life? Or am I here by accident and for no reason or purpose? If life has a meaning, what is it? If God has a purpose for me here, how can I know about it?

I told Sarah that I think to live a meaningful life is to be a useful person. For me it is to be able to serve God, care for my family and do a good job at work. I always strive to do my best at work. When I am able to contribute to my church work, my family situation or work or charity work, I feel that I am living a very meaningful life. Whenever I go through severe depression, I lost all my energies, strength and motivation to do anything. I felt that I am very useless and a total failure. Life seems so meaningless to me. But whenever I am well, I am able to pray, read the Bible, know God's love and comfort, able to take care of my mother, able to go to church, to work, enjoy my hobbies, etc etc. I find life very meaningful now.

Sarah listened attentively. She clarified some of my thoughts by asking me some questions. She didn't say very much whether she agrees with my views or not. Then she suggested that maybe we try and explore further through another method.

Sarah took out a very huge piece of paper and some colored markers. I wondered what she intended to do?

Sarah suggested to me to chart the major events in my life in a graph. For major events in my life, I was to use a black marker to chart the time/year it happened. For every happy and wonderful event, I was to use a green marker to chart the time/year it happened. I was then to use a red marker to mark out those periods of time when I went through severe depression. As I use these different markers to chart the different event over the last 20 years, there are often some overlappings.

Before I met Sarah, I used to look at my life as a total failure (this is one of the faulty or unhelpful thinking pattern Sarah helped me to recognize and try to change). Sarah helped me to see that in my life there were not just the black timeline, there were the green ones as well though also intertwined with the red ones. And by the mercies of God, I began to see that the green timelines scattered throughout my life, and they were not few. I began to see God's goodness and mercies in my life in a different way! Sarah helps me to see that in life we do experience up and down throughout different periods of time. Sometimes we cry, sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we are well, sometimes we are sick. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we failed. But none of these experiences represent us as a person. They are just events in our life, and everyone go through it. My past and present failures does not make me a failure. I can seek God's forgiveness and help to learn from my mistakes and to do better the next time, by His grace. I can become a better person and grow through each experiences, though they are painful and difficult.

We started charting with the events that happened after I became a Christian in 1990.

1) My relationship with my father improved.

One of the first thing that changes in my life after I came to know the Lord as my personal Saviour and Lord was that I was able to forgive my father for a past mistake he made. For a long time, I would not talk to my father. But after I became a Christian, I was greatly moved by the knowledge that I am a great sinner but that God loves me and send the Lord Jesus Christ to die on the cross for me to pay the penalty of my sins and delivered me from the bondage of sin and eternal destructions in Hell. I was greatly touched by God's love for me and the joy of forgiveness in Him. Though I am weak and continue to fail Him daily, He forgives me of my sins daily, He guides and leads me in life, and provides for my every need.

By God's mercies, He changed my heart. When I went home, I took the initiative to talk to my father. I no longer feel that I could not forgive him. I felt compassion in my heart for him. He is so lost without God, and that is why he committed that awful mistake in the past. I felt sorry for him. This event is very significant in my life, because this is one of the biggest changes I notice in my life after I became a Christian. I know that I would never have been able to forgive my father if not because God changed my heart and enable me by His Spirit to do so.

As I recounted this event in my life to Sarah, I was filled with thankfulness to God for His mercies in my life in leading me to know Him savingly, and also to forgive my dear father so that my relationship with him improved. I began praying for my father and my family. My father's relationship with other members of my family then began to improve.

Sarah, asked whether I realized that I had caused an impact in my family situation and especially in my father's life. That particular event, was used by God, in His mercies to bring about a reconciliation in my family. The Lord was using me! I didn't see it then. But now I realized that God was using me to reach out to my father and helped him to be reconciled to my family.

Sarah asked whether that particular event has any impact to the question "What is the meaning of Life?" which I have struggled with. Do I think my life is meaningful at such a time?

I thought about it for a moment. I said I think Life is meaningful because I was able to know our Lord Jesus Christ as my Saviour and Lord. And I was able to forgive my father and love him once again. Sarah said I also did something very meaningful. She said God was using me to reach out to my father and reconciled him to my family.

Thank God! Now I saw afresh that my life was a very meaningful one right after my conversion.

Sarah suggested that we continue with the next important event in my life as we seek to explore the meaning of Life......

To be continued......

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

What is the meaning of Life? - Part 2

Last Thursday, I shared about my constant struggles during severe depression episodes with the question "What is the meaning of Life?". Whenever I am severely depressed, this question will surface over and over again. I did not know that later, by the mercies of God, this painful and difficult recurring question was to eventually led me to embark on a new journey which is changing my life now in many wonderful ways!

I thank God for leading me to seek help at Counselling and Care Centre in Singapore in January 2007. As I recounted my past relapses of severe clinical depression in the last 20 years, to my Christian counsellor, Sarah, she noted that there is a phrase I keep repeating and that is during every depressive episodes I will wonder "What is the meaning of Life?".

Sarah felt that there is a necessity for me to explore this question and to see how I can get a more realistic and biblical view on this question as that will have an impact in my recovery. That was around beginning of February 2007, and I had just started anti-depressant (20 mg Fluoxetine every morning) for about 2 weeks. Thank God that I am very sensitive to medication and so I was lifted up to a more functional level about 1 week after I took Fluoxetine. So when I was recounting all these past relapses to Sarah, I was more rational and able to think more clearly.

After my second session with Sarah, she asked me what I think is the meaning of life? Sarah wants me to go home and think about this question and to discuss with her in our next counselling session the following week.

Throughout that week, I prayed much and thought through what really is the meaning of Life to me? I know many people will look at it in many ways. What is the meaning of Life? Is there really a meaning to Life? Is there a purpose for my Life? Or am I just here for no reason? If there is a meaning to Life, then what is the meaning or purpose of my life? What really is God's purpose for my life here?

I tried to recall some lessons I learned many years ago during Bible study of the Westminster Shorter Catechism on the chief end of our purposes here:
Westminster Shorter Catechism Question 1 : What is the chief end of man?

Answer: Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him for ever.

Bible references:

1 Corinthians 10.31 : Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.

Psalm 73.25-26 : Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.

I thought from what I learned from the Catechism question above that God has created me for a purpose and I am here daily to accomplish His purposes, to glorify His name and enjoy Him. I glorify Him when I serve Him and do my best in whatever I do. I glorify Him when I love others and serve them as a way to show my love for God. As at that time I was no longer severely depressed, I do not feel that life is meaningless.

I prayed, look into the Bible and then wrote down some of my thoughts and feelings over the week. When I next saw Sarah, we continued to explore the question on the meaning of life.

I told Sarah that to live a meaningful life is to be a useful person. To be able to serve God, care for my family and do a good job at work. I always strive to do my best at work. When I am able to contribute to my church work, my family situation or work or charity work, I feel that I am living a very meaningful life. Whenever I go through severe depression, I lost all my energies, strength and motivation to do anything. I felt that I am very useless and a total failure. Life seems so meaningless to me.

Sarah listened attentively. She clarified some of my thoughts by asking me some questions. She didn't say very much whether she agrees with my views or not. Then she suggested that maybe we try and explore further through another method.

Sarah took out a very huge piece of paper and some colored markers. I wondered what she intended to do?

(Little did I know that by God's mercies and love, He was using Sarah, my Christian counsellor, to teach me many precious truths which indirectly led me to embark on a new journey, a journey that changes my life in many wonderful ways, and my relationship with God, my family, my church, my friends and others around me. A journey that I am still pressing on now joyfully, by the grace of God.....)

To be continued....

Thursday, February 28, 2008

What is the meaning of Life?

Whenever I am severely depressed, this question will surface over and over again. During an episode of severe depression that is clinical and last between 3 to 6 months or sometimes longer, to have to face this question every day is a tremendous challenge. Due to some chemical imbalance in my brain in such an episode, I couldn't think clearly nor feel rightly. Depression has a way of numbing my brain so that I am either not able to concentrate to read or think, or my thoughts will be all negative and condemning myself. I seemed incapable of doing anything or deriving any joy in anything I used to enjoy. I could not feel aright, my feelings are either flat most of the time or down most of the time. For some people, during severe depression they will break down in tears and sometimes cry for no particular reasons. For me it was the opposite. In the face of such tremendous pain and struggles, I wanted very much to cry as I felt that may help to release the pain and frustration I am going through during such an episode, but often there are no tears.

During such a episode, I dread to wake up each morning as I couldn't bring myself to face each day. Every morning, when I wake up, I found myself asking over and over again, What is the meaning of life? What is the point of going on like this day after day? I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. There is no way out of this depths. I have no energy to fight on. So many times I prayed that God will take me home. Living on without the ability to enjoy His love, His Words, public worship, personal devotions, family, friends, work, hobbies, etc is so meaningless. During severe depression, nothing seems to help. Day in day out, night in night out, is the same thing and it goes on for days, weeks, months. Others said they have been depressed before and they just prayed, look to God and they are better. But in severe clinical depression, nothing helps. So no one will understand. What is the meaning of life? Why am I here to go through this suffering over and over again as I have been through it some 12 times by now?

I thank God for leading me to seek help at Counselling and Care Centre in Singapore in January 2007. In my first 2 sessions with my counsellor, Sarah, I recounted to her my past relapses of severe clinical depression in the last 20 years. Sarah noted at the end of my second session with her that there is a phrase I keep repeating and that is during every depressive episodes I will wonder "What is the meaning of Life?". Sarah felt that there is a necessity for me to explore this question and to see how I can get a more realistic and biblical view on this question as that will have an impact in my recovery.

When I first saw Sarah in end January 2007, I had just sought medical help and was on anti-depressant (20mg Fluoxetine or common brand name Prozac). Thank God that I am very sensitive to medication and 1 week after taking Fluoxetine, I was feeling better and more functional. The anti-depressant did not cure me totally but it lifted me up to a more functional level so that I can pray and read the Bible once again and find comfort in God and His Words. I was able to wake up without dreading to face each day and therefore able to cope better with work and life in general. The anti-depressant helped to lift up to a level where my thoughts and feelings are more normal, and I can think more rationally. It was then that I can benefit from counsellings/psychotherapy.

So I was more rational and able to think more clearly when I saw Sarah. After hearing my accounts, Sarah asked me what I think is the meaning of life? Sarah wants me to go home and think about this question and to discuss with her in our next counselling session the following week.

At that time, I was seeing Sarah once a week for about an hour each session. Thank God for my employer and colleauges who allowed me to take time off during working hours to see Sarah. Sarah works in a team with several other counsellors, and our sessions are video taped with my permission. In the room where Sarah counselled me, I only get to see her. Her other colleagues in her team were in the next room, watching the video of our taped session. Towards the end of the session, Sarah will go for a short break of 10 mins to discuss with her team members. She will then come back and conclude the session with me by highlighting some discoveries we made during our sessions and to post some question for me to take home and think and pray about. This was how she helped me to explore my thoughts as I do have some faulty or unhelpful thinking patterns which are so ingrafted in me that I am not conscious of them. But they have tremendous negative effects on my life and learning to identify them will help me to challenge them and turn them to more realistic and biblical thoughts and actions. This is the gift of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) or counselling/talk therapy/psychotherapy. I will share more about CBT in future posts.

So on my second session with Sarah, I took the question "What is the meaning of Life?" home with me to pray and explore it further.

To be continued......